Everything
by bonusvampirus
Summary: Sequal to "Together." Tosh is on the run with Jack and Esther during Miracle Day, and Tosh and Esther talk about life before Torchwood.


Title: Everything.  
Summary: Sequal to "Together." Tosh is on the run with Jack and Esther during Miracle Day, and Tosh and Esther talk about life before Torchwood.  
Rating: PG-13 for talk of sex and violence  
Word Count: 1180  
Other Chapters: No.  
Disclaimer: The British Broadcasting Corporation owns Torchwood and all related characters, settings, and trademarks. I do not profit in any way from this material.  
Pairings: (mentioned:) Toshiko Sato/Male OC; Esther Drummond/Male OC  
Contains: sex mention  
Warnings: violence mention

* * *

"Did you ever think you'd end up here," Esther asked, pulling her blanket tightly around her shoulders and letting the steam from her tea warm her face for a moment before she actually took a drink.

Tosh shrugged. "'Ever' is an interesting word." She settled into the chair opposite Esther with her own cup of tea and sighed. "If you'd told me two years ago, Jack being injured would have been the only thing that would come as a surprise. Ten years ago, I'd have told you to go to Hell." They were in Norway, and Jack was in bed on the other side of the room, bandaged and weak from his bullet wound, and desperately trying to figure out how to end the lives of millions of people. It was a Hell of a miracle. Tosh was cold and tired and she missed her cozy little flat in Cardiff. Hell, she'd even take the less-cozy flat in London that UNIT had relocated her to.

At the same time, though...

"Life is simpler when you're just reading blog entries about why the president is a lizard man from Pluto," Esther said.

"Lizard people don't live on Pluto," Tosh said automatically. "It's too cold. Lots of them on Venus, though."

Esther laughed. She actually _laughed_, and that was a rare enough sound these days that Tosh had to pause and look at her. Esther smiled at her, and for half a second, Tosh allowed herself to think that someday,, things were actually going to be okay again, and she smiled back.

And then she snapped out of it, shook her head, and looked down into her tea. "I used to work for the Ministry of Defense," she said. "Before Torchwood. Before—" She stopped herself.

"What?" Esther said.

"Nothing," Tosh said, shaking her head.

"Before nothing?"

"That wasn't what I was going to say," Tosh said.

"So tell me what you were going to say," Esther said, stilling smiling. "I won't judge."

Tosh sighed. "Everything. I was going to say 'before _everything_. And it was ridiculous. Lots of stuff happened before I joined Torchwood. I was born, I was a military brat, I lived in Japan, I lost my virginity, I went to Cambridge, I got a job, I became a terrorist..."

Esther blinked slowly, then smirked and shook her head.

"What?"

"You just listed half of life off like it was a checklist. Like things you were _supposed_ to do. Except that last point. Terrorist, huh?"

"It wasn't my fault," Tosh said, aware of the sulky note in her own voice.

Esther laughed again, but there was a darker note to it this time "Two years ago, I'd have said..." She shook her head. "But here we are. Apparently these things do happen sometimes." She looked back up at Tosh. "But what else happened before Torchwood? You mentioned Japan and Cambridge, but nothing that happened in either of them. Who were you, before Torchwood?"

"I guess that's the problem," Tosh said, shrugging. "I didn't _know_ who I was before Torchwood."

"You never fell in love?"

"Not before Torchwood."

"What about the boy you lost your virginity to?"

Tosh smirked slightly. "What said anything about a boy?"

Esther blushed. "Oh. Sorry. I, um—"

"He _was_ a boy, actually," Tosh said. "I didn't have sex with a woman until I was in my thirties." She shrugged. "I wish I'd started sooner, though."

"Did you love him?" Esther asked.

"No," Tosh said. She shrugged. "He was cute and he was Japanese and he was completely in love with me and my parents loved him, but I don't think I ever loved him. Not like _that_, anyway. We had fun together and the sex was good, and I think at first I was in love with the idea of him. I didn't really date in secondary school, so to come to uni and meet a guy who was head-over-heels for me seemed... incredible. But the novelty wore off around the year-two mark, and I remember thinking all the time that _we made sense_, like I was trying to convince myself of that. I was with him because I couldn't really think of a reason not to be, not because I wanted to be." Tosh shrugged. "He broke up with me because he proposed and I said no and wouldn't tell him _why_ I said no. He was convinced that there was a reason, something he could fix, but there wasn't, really. I just didn't want to marry him." Esther was looking at Tosh oddly, so Tosh raised her eyebrows and threw the question back at Esther. "You ever have relationships like that?"

"God no," Esther said, smiling sadly. "I was _always_ the one to fall in love too fast and too hard. Boys broke up with _me_ because they realized that I was already picking out names for our kids when they'd never seen me as more than the nearest pretty blonde."

"Life's hard for a pretty blonde," Tosh said.

"I didn't mean—"

"I know," Tosh said, smiling slightly. She didn't really want to dwell on it, so she went back to the topic at hand. "I guess It wasn't until Torchwood that I realized that love doesn't really make sense sometimes. I mean, _nothing_ really made sense with Torchwood, so why should I be dreaming about a future with a frozen soldier from World War I?"

"That's the spirit," Esther said, smiling. "So what did you study at Cambridge? Going to Cambridge is kind of a big deal, isn't it?"

"Well, my parents were certainly proud." Tosh shrugged. "I did Mechanical Engineering. And you? Did you study... blog reading?"

"Criminal Psychology with a minor in English Literature." She sucked her teeth. "It didn't actually help as much in catching the terrorists as you might think."

"For all that it's turned out to matter," Tosh said. "I needed loads of on-the-job-training from Jack,, and I don't think there's a school in the world that offers a degree in bringing death back to the world."

"Always winging it with Torchwood, huh?" Esther said. "Mission after mission. Sounds like a nightmare," She took a long drink of her tea. "When this is done," her voice caught for a moment, but neither of them allowed themselves to vocalize the possibility that this would ever _not_ end, "I'm settling down in a small town and getting a job at a bank or something. Forget all of this."

Tosh smirked. "I could never."

"Really?"

Tosh stared down into her tea for a moment. "Gwen and I once said that we _hoped_ something like this would happen. And we knew it was terrible, but... so was living without Torchwood. We _hated_ being forced to go back."

_Everything_. She hated it. Gwen hated. But Torchwood was _everything_. Before Torchwood life was logical and boring and when Tosh thought of going back to that _she couldn't breathe_.

"Oh," Esther said flatly.

"I'm sure it'll be different for you!" Tosh said, looking up and forcing a smile.

She hoped she was telling the truth.


End file.
